OKAY LAWYERS, LET’S ALL HAVE A GOOD LAUGH

I do not claim original ownership to this joke. Many thanks to the originator for letting us have a good laugh.

“Mike! Mike! Long time!”

“Yes o”

“Ah! Ah! This caveat on your finger. Have you been attached by any girl?”

“Yes o, last month”

“Na waoh. You did not put us on notice”

“There was urgency so I had to go by motion exparte.”

“Ha!Ha!Ha! Was it Blessing your Law School woman?”

“No”

“Wetin happen?”

“The affair was struck out”

“Who made the application?”

“She did suo motu”

“Why?”

“I was not talking of marriage. She thought I was not serious so she struck it out for lack of diligent prosecution”.

“Where is she now?”

“I don’t know, she is functus officio”

“When did you regularize your position?”

“Last month”

“Is her name on the roll?”

“No. She is not a lawyer”.

“Where is she from?”

“She’s Igbo”

“Ah! You married outside jurisdiction?”
“Yes. But it wasn’t easy. It took time before her parents granted leave”

“What did you do last month? Traditional or white wedding?”

“I frontloaded the process. I did the two on the same day. I needed to avoid cost”

“How did you serve your invitation process?”

“I served by substituted means. SMS”

“Did you serve Blessing?”

“No. She evaded service”

“How?”

“I wanted to serve her orally but she refused to pick my calls”

“How much did you spend?”

“Six……………………………….”

“Does it include its appurtenances?”

“Yes. The white wedding, traditional wedding and every other thing incidental thereto”

“Na wa oh. I’m thinking about getting married seriously”

“Just prepare your processes and go for assessment”

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YOUR (POSTDATED) EXCELLENCY, THAT OWAMBE IS UNNECESSARY

Your Excellency

Your (postdated) Excellency,

To be sure that there is no ambiguity as to whom this letter is addressed to, let me be very specific. This letter is addressed to you:
1. The president-elect and his vice.
2. Governors-elect and their deputies
3. Senators-elect of the federal republic
4. House of Representatives members-elect
5. State houses of assembly members-elect

I am tempted to include your spouses, siblings, friends and associates but I think I will not succumb to this temptation at this point in time so as not to take the shine off your recently acquired “special” status.

I am aware that this advice is unsolicited. Afterall, you have a retinue of advisers or hangers-on who will naturally tell you not to mind me. But know that I am a Nigerian and I’m determined to add my voice to those voices of reason that are gradually becoming scarce like those famed “essential commodities” of yore. And I know that it is within my inalienable rights to speak to you.

In typical Nigerian fashion, many of you may have been feted at carnival-like celebratory parties or are still at the planning such lavish parties popularly referred to as owambe after emerging victorious at the just-concluded general elections. Those who have not had or are not planning parties have had or are planning “thanks-giving” in one place of worship or the other. I have even heard with my two ears that one of you is planning a trip to the holy land to “properly” thank God for the election victory. And some of you doing this include serving governors whose states are owing workers salaries.

Well, as an individual, you have every right to throw an owambe, have a “thanks-giving” or go to the holy land in commemoration of your victory. But before you do that, let me ask you a few questions.
 Did you go out to vote on the days of the elections?
 Do you know on average how long people stayed on queues across the country just to be accredited and to eventually vote?
 Are you aware that ordinary Nigerians remained at the polling units to ensure that their votes counted?
 Do you know how many Nigerians lost their lives during the general elections?
 Do you know why Nigerians made these sacrifices?
 Do you really understand the expectations of the people?

I ask you these questions for you to realize that it took the sacrifices of many Nigerians to get you elected. It took hours under the sun and in the rain. It took plenty of determination. It took sweat. In some instances, it took blood.

My take on the glass-clicking and the chest-thumping across the land is that you, perhaps, do yet understand that there was something different about the March 28 and April 11 elections nor that the expectations of the people are clear. If you did, you would not be partying. You would by now be busy fine-tuning your plan of action to deliver the dividends of democracy to those that voted you into office. If there is anything that Nigerians demonstrated in the last election it is that they have lost patience with poor performance by elected officials. I am convinced that this will underscore the mood of the Nigerian public even as you settle down to run the course of the mandate you have been given.

There is no time for frivolities. We just want you to get down to serious work. Once you have delivered on your campaign promises, we will throw the party for you by way of a re-election.

Therefore, Dear (postdated) Excellency, that owambe is not necessary.

Boko Haram kidnappings: 1 year later, still no sign of the schoolgirls

Below is the CBC article on the one year anniversary of the Chibok girls. I hope you enjoy the piece and are galvanized into action by it. We’ll keep calling on the government to #BringBackOurGirls.

‘They have been gone a year now, the hundreds of girls abducted by Islamic militants from their school in northeastern Nigeria. And while the cry to “Bring Back Our Girls” remains a worldwide cause, the country’s next leader is not making the promise that his predecessor did — that they will be brought home.

“Never to be forgotten” is the new slogan adopted Tuesday by campaigners, replacing “Bring Back Our Girls — Now and Alive!”

Bring Back Our Girls march marks 1 year since abduction of Nigerian schoolgirls
On the first anniversary of the day 276 schoolgirls were snatched in the middle of the night from their boarding school in northeastern Nigeria, President-elect Muhammadu Buhari says he must be honest about the prospects of getting the 219 girls who are still missing back to their families.

“We do not know if the Chibok girls can be rescued. Their whereabouts remain unknown,” Buhari said in a statement. “As much as I wish to, I cannot promise that we can find them.”

On Tuesday, 219 girls dubbed “Chibok ambassadors” marched solemnly through Abuja, Nigeria’s capital, each carrying a placard with the name of the missing girl they represent.

“We are here to appeal to the government to do better, we want our girls now and alive,” said Solamipe Onifade, 16.

A candlelight march was planned for after sundown.

The statement by Buhari, a former military ruler of Nigeria who was democratically elected on March 28, is a marked departure from President Goodluck Jonathan, who, after his administration initially denied there had been a kidnapping, made repeated hollow promises that the girls would be rescued. Buhari takes over May 29…’

For the rest of the article click on this link: http://www.cbc.ca/m/touch/world/story/1.3031789

COUNTING THE COSTS OF THE 2015 ELECTIONS

2015 Elections

It has always been said that democracy is expensive. In making that statement, many people tend to look at the cost of maintaining and sustaining democratic structures or, if you will, the various organs of government which, by the way, include the executive, the legislature and the judiciary.

It is also likely that those who make that statement speak on the basis of the amount that is usually allocated to the Independent National Electoral Commission, INEC, the electoral empire. If I recall correctly, the amount said to have been budgeted for the 2015 elections by INEC was about N75.0bn.

Truly, the cost of sustaining the structures of government is huge. Many Nigerians, for instance are united in their condemnation of the “fat” salaries and allowances earned by members of the National Assembly.

These are the direct costs of democracy that almost every one can point at.

However, now that we have just concluded the 2015 elections, perhaps we could make an attempt to look at some of the cost that may have gone down with the elections. I dare say that it would be near-impossible to quantify this cost.

Where and how does one even begin to count the cost of this election when everything really cannot be expressed in Naira and Kobo? Well, we could try and look at some scenarios.

First, we could look at the time NOT well-spent on official responsibilities by political office holders who ran for or campaigned for those who ran for elective offices in the just concluded elections. It is safe to say that while the campaigns lasted, from the very expensive party primaries right down to the elections proper, many political office holders spent more time on campaigns than in the discharge of the responsibilities of their respective offices. Consider, for instance, the President, serving governors, and serving legislators who ran for election or re-election. These ones are not statutorily required to resign before seeking a revalidation of their mandates. Consider also other public servants who assisted them in their respective campaigns. Work out the time they all spent campaigning. The time NOT SPENT AT WORK will amaze you. In the end, decisions that were not taken at all or that taken late because government officials were on the campaign trail would have cost the economy. How much? I don’t know.
Next, you might want to consider the fact that in an election year, many investors are cautious. They maintain “HOLD” positions in the periods leading to and immediately after elections. As such, decisions that could have benefitted the economy are suspended. A case in point here is the experience of many businesses who are mainly contractors to other companies who were told to “wait till after the elections” by those they do business with. Many of such businesses have not been able to do anything since the beginning of the year. They may have already sustained heavy losses servicing overheads.

The postponement of the election from the original scheduled dates of February 14, and 28 by six weeks to March 28 and April 11 took a toll on businesses. Preparations had already been made. Certain decisions taken, meetings scheduled and re-scheduled and diaries and calendars marked all in preparation for the February 14 date. Then like-play, like-play, we started hearing about possible postponement. And from a distantly possibility, the reality of the postponement dawned on the nation. Appointment had to be cancelled and business decisions put on hold. Monies were lost. How much? I don’t know.

Eventually, the elections came. The nation’s borders were closed for the statutory periods during the two elections. Banks and other institutions closed early to customers on the days before the elections. Many business had to hurriedly close also. Who bears the cost during the period of shutdown?

I know that democracy is expensive to maintain and sustain. The call is, therefore, to find a way not to make it too expensive. Government functionaries and those who take decisions that have impact on the entirety of the country must be mindful of the fact that every decision has a cost. But through proper planning, it is possible to minimize these costs so that businesses are not at the receiving end.

And on a lighter note, it is not only businesses that are affected by such decisions. Individuals are also. A friend shared a joke about a couple who originally planned to have a wedding on February 14, 2015. When their attention was drawn to the fact that elections had been fixed for February 14 and 28, they opted for March 28. By February 7, they started sending out their invitations. Then, boom! Jega announced the postponement. To cut the story short, the guy’s family was then said to have summoned him and tried to impress it on him that maybe, just maybe, God was using the postponement to tell him not to marry the lady. When my friend asked me what I thought about the matter, I coughed lightly, cleared my throat and told him “I DON’T KNOW”!

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THE GALE OF DEFECTIONS – A WORRISOME DEVELOPMENT

The presidential and national assembly elections have come and gone. I was relieved (and I think many Nigerians felt the same way) when President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan of the PDP was reported to have called the APC candidate, General Muhammadu Buhari, on phone to concede defeat.

I thought that it would be nice to have the People’s Democratic Party (PDP) in opposition at the centre for a change.

However, barely a week after those elections, I am beginning to wonder whether there will be a virile opposition at the centre this time around. My worry is predicated on the wave of defections that has hit the PDP. I can no longer count on my finger tips the number of high-profile personalities that have left the party in just one week. The personae range from the party’s former governorship candidates in some states. Perhaps the icing so far is the reported defection of Joshua Dariye and Jeremiah Useni both senators-elect in the just-concluded National Assembly elections. That they didn’t even wait for the new National Assembly to be constituted introduces a new and worrisome form of audacious defection.

I have always known that politicians have no scruples. Like they say, what matters in politics is permanent interest. But what they don’t say is whose interest it is. So, I ask, if what matters in politics is permanent interest, whose “permanent interest” is it? By the time we are done lifting the veil on the “interest”, we would discover that the interest is usually “personal”.

For many who abuse, insult, maim and kill others on behalf of some politicians, you really do not understand the game. When their personal interest is served, you can be sure that these same politicians would unite against you. By the time political gladiators decide to put political differences aside to enhance their personal interests, many of recently-emerged class of social media vuvuzelas will not be in the permutations.

With regards to the wave of defections, irrespective of the reasons behind it, it is worrisome. Democracy thrives when there is a viable opposition to keep the government on its toes. The All Progressive Congress (APC) and by extension, its legacy parties (the CAN, the CPC and the APP) did this successfully for the period it was in opposition. In fact, many Nigerians waited expectantly for the opposition parties’ perspectives every time there was a policy pronouncement by the PDP-led central government.

Those who are currently defecting to the APC soon after the presidential elections are guaranteed freedom of association by the constitution. It would also be impossible for the APC to start rejecting defectors lest it be accused of operating like a secret society. However, those who are currently defecting en masse presumably just because the APC will for the government at the centre come May 29, 2015, are enemies of democracy. Nigerians should watch them for they seek to turn the country into a one-party state. That, my friends, is not healthy.

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WORDS ON MARBLE: ACCEPTANCE SPEECH BY MUHAMMADU BUHARI, PRESIDENT-ELECT, FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA, APRIL 01, 2015

I am immensely grateful to God for this day and for this hour. I feel truly honoured and humbled that the Nigerian people have so clearly chosen me to lead them. The official announcement from INEC was the moment the vast majority of Nigerians had hoped and been waiting for. Today, history has been made, and change has finally come. Your votes have changed our national destiny for the good of all Nigerians .

INEC has announced that I, Muhammadu Buhari, shall be your next president. My team and I shall faithfully serve you. There shall no longer be a ruling party again: APC will be your governing party. We shall faithfully serve you. We shall never rule over the people as if they were subservient to government.

Our long night has passed and the daylight of new democratic governance has broken across the land. This therefore is not a victory for one man or even one party. It is a victory for Nigeria and for all Nigerians. Millions of you have worked for this day. So many have risked life and livelihood; and others have died that we may witness this moment.

And it is with a very heavy heart that I report many deaths and injuries amidst the jubilations yesterday. We send our sincere condolences to the families and friends of those who lost their lives; and wish speedy recovery to those who suffered injuries. I appeal to all our supporters to celebrate this victory with prayers and reflection instead of wild jubilation.

May the souls of those who died rest in peace. Let us take a moment of silence to honour all of those whose sacrifices have brought us to this fine and historic hour. As the results of the election have shown, their labour has not been and will never be in vain. Democracy and the rule of law will be re-established in the land.

Let us put the past, especially the recent past, behind us. We must forget our old battles and past grievances—and learn to forge ahead. I assure you that our government is one that will listen to and embrace all.

I pledge myself and our in-coming administration to just and principled governance. There shall be no bias against or favouritism for any Nigerian based on ethnicity, religion, region, gender or social status. I pledge myself and the government to the rule of law, in which none shall be so above the law that they are not subject to its dictates, and none shall be so below it that they are not availed of its protection.

You shall be able to go to bed knowing that you are safe and that your constitutional rights remain in safe hands. You shall be able to voice your opinion without fear of reprisal or victimisation. My love and concern for this nation and what I desire for it extends to all, even to those who do not like us or our politics. You are all my people and I shall treat everyone of you as my own. I shall work for those who voted for me as well as those who voted against me and even for those who did not vote at all. We all live under one name as one nation: we are all Nigerians.

Some unfortunate issues about my eligibility have been raised during the campaign. I wish to state that through devotion to this nation, everything I have learned and done has been to enable me to make the best possible contribution to public life. If I had judged myself incapable of governing I would never have sought to impose myself on it. I have served in various capacities and have always put in my best.

But despite the rancour of the elections, I extend a hand of friendship and conciliation to President Jonathan and his team. I hereby wish to state that I harbour no ill will against anyone.

Let me state clearly that President Jonathan has nothing to fear from me. Although we may not agree on the methods of governing the nation, he is a great Nigerian and still our president. He deserves our support and permanent respect by virtue of the office he has held.

This is how an honourable nation treats its servants and conducts its affairs; and this is how Nigeria should be.

I look forward to meeting with President Jonathan in the days to come to discuss how our teams can make the transition of administrations as efficient as possible.

Here, I want to thank my party for selecting me as its candidate. I thank our party leaders and members for the steadfast contributions they made to bring our dream to fruition. I thank INEC, the police and all other government agencies for performing their tasks in a proper manner and for refusing to be induced to undermine the election and the democratic process.

I also wish to thank religious Leaders, traditional leaders, the media, labour unions, Civil Society organisations, organised private sector, youths and students for their roles in this election.

I give special thanks to President Obama and his timely intervention and support for peaceful and credible elections in Nigeria and for sending Secretary John Kerry and other United States officials. The European Union – especially the United Kingdom, France, Germany and other nations that were actively involved in ensuring the success of this election are equally appreciated. My sincere thanks to the United Nations Secretary General Mr Ban-Ki Moon. The Commonwealth, China, India and other Asian and Gulf states are also hereby appreciated.

Finally our brothers in the African Union and ECOWAS have truly and clearly shown and demonstrate their commitment to our democratisation process. Former Presidents John Kuffour, Amos Sawyer, Bakili Muluzi and his team are well appreciated. I must also add my appreciation for the role played by civil societies, national and International observers, other world leaders in ensuring that Nigeria holds free and fair elections.

I assure all foreign governments that Nigeria will become a more forceful and constructive player in the global fight against terrorism and in other matters of collective concern, such as the fight against drugs, climate change, financial fraud, communicable diseases and other issues requiring global response. I want to assure our fellow African nations that Nigeria will now stand as a more constructive
partner in advancing the matters of concern to our continent, particularly with regard to economic development and eradication of poverty.

Former head of state and president Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, General Yakubu Gowon, Alh. Shehu Shagari, General Ibrahim Babangida, Chief Ernest Shonekan and General Abdulsalami Abubakar deserve commendations for their statesmanship and words of caution and counsel for peace during the tense moments of this electoral period.

Most of all, I thank the people of Nigeria for reposing their confidence in me at this trying moment. Our nation wrestles many challenges including insecurity, corruption, economic decline. I pledge to give you my best in tackling these problems.

The good people of Nigeria, your obligation does not end with casting your ballot. I seek your voice and input as we tackle these problems.

This will not be a government democratic only in form. It will be a government democratic in substance and in how it interacts with its own people.

No doubt, this nation has suffered greatly in the recent past, and its staying power has been tested to its limits by crises, chief among which is insurgency of the Boko Haram. There is no doubt that in tackling the insurgency we have a tough and urgent job to do. But I assure you that Boko Haram will soon know the strength of our collective will and commitment to rid this nation of terror, and bring back peace and normalcy to all the affected areas. We shall spare no effort until we defeat terrorism.

Furthermore, we shall strongly battle another form of evil that is even worse than terrorism—the evil of corruption. Corruption attacks and seeks to destroy our national institutions and character. By misdirecting into selfish hands funds intended for the public purpose, corruption distorts the economy and worsens income inequality. It creates a class of unjustly-enriched people.

Such an illegal yet powerful force soon comes to undermine democracy because its conspirators have amassed so much money that they believe they can buy government. We shall end this threat to our economic development and democratic survival. I repeat that corruption will not be tolerated by this administration; and it shall no longer be allowed to stand as if it is a respected monument in this
nation.

I ask you to join me in resolving these and the other challenges we face. Along the way, there will be victories but there may also be setbacks. Mistakes will be made. But we shall never take you for granted; so, be rest assured that our errors will be those of compassion and commitment not of wilful neglect and indifference.

We shall correct that which does not work and improve that which does. We shall not stop, stand or idle. We shall, if necessary crawl, walk and run to do the job you have elected us to do.

I realise that the expectation of our people today is as high as their commitment to change has been strong and their belief in us unshaken. While we pledge to begin doing our best without delay, we would like to appeal to them to appreciate the gravity of our situation, so that we become more realistic in our expectations.

We will govern for you and in your interests. Your vote was not wasted.

This is not the first time Nigerians have cast their votes for us, and this is not the first time they have been counted; but this is the first time that the votes have been allowed to count. With the help of God, we pledge to do our utmost to bring forth the Nigeria you seek.

Thank you for your patience and attention.

GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI, GCFR
PRESIDENT-ELECT
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

AS #NIGERIADECIDES2015, I AM INVOLVED. . . AND SO ARE YOU.

The level of unpredictability of the Nigerian political scene has inched up, not a notch but, several notches higher. In fact political pundits say that the unpredictability in the political landscape has reached an all-time high.

True, the stakes are high.
True, the frenzy is high.
However, the debate is low.
The punches are even lower.

In the first few years following Nigeria’s return to democracy in 1999, it was normal for many to refer to the country as a fledging democracy. I had to find out what “fledging” means and discovered that it came from the word “fledge”. Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary says that “fledge or fledging” means (of a young bird) “to acquire the feathers necessary for flight or independent activity; to leave the nest after acquiring such feathers”.

Interestingly, I don’t hear that expression “fledging democracy” often these days. Could it be that in the light of Merriam-Webster’s definition, Nigeria has now fully developed the wings necessary to fly and has left the nest? Some will nod in agreement. There is also the alternative argument that the ‘fledge’ or ‘fledging’ process was aborted. Again there are those who will agree with this position. My personal opinion is that though we may not necessarily be where we should be as a nation, we definitely are no longer where we used to be. We did leave the nest. But we are not exactly flying. Yet.

This is why some analysts think that this year’s election will mark a defining moment for us as a country. For me though, I do not think that the level of political awareness and sophistication has improved. I also do not think that there are serious campaign issues by the presidential contenders. Neither do I think that many voters will still not vote along ethnic and religious lines. Nevertheless, I do believe that the party that eventually wins at the centre will acknowledge that the election wasn’t the piece of cake it used to be and will, therefore, work a lot harder to ensure that it is returned to power in 2019.

Every Nigerian that is duly registered to vote should go out on February 14, 2015 and exercise his or here civic responsibility. As for those who are whining and complaining whether Goodluck Ebele Jonathan (#GEJ) and General Muhammdu Buhari (#GMB) are the best candidates we could get in a country of nearly 170 million people, maybe you just didn’t know. Well then, it is my pleasure that there are 14 presidential candidates, not 2! Surely, among the 14 presidential candidates, you should be able to find someone that meets your minimum criteria. The candidate you vote for does not necessarily have to win the election. I know who I will vote for. So, I urge you by all means vote for your preferred candidate and vote according to your conscience.

In fact, I think it is sheer hypocrisy on the part of some people who claim the neither GEJ nor GMB meets their criteria. I ask, where were they when Prof Pat Utomi ran for president? Did they vote for Gani Fawehimi when he ran for president? Did they vote for Dele Momodu? When Fela Nikulpo-Kuti ran for president nko? Did they vote for him? Make dem park well joor.

It is my hope that the process through which the political candidates improve with time. Therefore, I leave us with 2 quotes that I consider relevant:

“War is too important to be left to the generals” – Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929)

“I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians” -Charles De Gaulle (1890 – 1970)

You can follow me on Twitter @ehissman