The Day Twitter Nearly Caught Fire!

The Day Twitter Nearly Caught Fire

“Hey! Stop! Who goes there?”

“Bros, it’s me, Tejiri.”

“Ah, Tejiri, since when did you start sneaking around?”

“Bros, it’s not my fault. One cannot be too careful these days. We are in the era of deportation in this country and I don’t want to take any risks.”

“Calm down, Tejiri. Big boy like you! In any case, the Lagos State Government says it’s not deportation. They say it is re-uniting those destitute with their families.”

“Bros, have you spoken with those people that were re-united with their families at the foot of the Niger Bridge?”

“Err . . .em . . . not yet. I really think I should.”

“That’s the thing, my Bros. Everybody is shouting but nobody has made contact with them or tried to alleviate their plight. Even those pretending to be ethnic champions, tell me what they have done for the people affected other than shout in newspapers or social media and create tension.”

“You have a point, Tejiri. But is that why I didn’t see or feel you on Twitter on Tuesday?”

“Bros, Twitter? Being on Twitter is no longer moin-moin o. People now come on Twitter fully kitted with bullet-proof vests and armed with Kalashnikovs.”

“But Tejiri, you are a Twitter overlord in your own right. So, you needed not be afraid.”

“Bros, abeg forget that matter. Overlord pass overlord o. When the real overlords show, kwe-kwe overlords will take cover. That was what happened on Tuesday.”

“Hmmmm. I see what you mean.”

“Yes o. There was heavy fire on Twitter last Tuesday. Shrapnels were flying everywhere. God forbid that I should pick up a bullet that was not meant for me.”

“That’s Warri sense.”

“In fact, I also found out something that day.”

“What did you find out, TJ?”

“I found out that Twitter is a multi-purpose platform.”

“How do you mean? Of course, Twitter has always had several uses. You can send text, pictures, etc., through it.”

“I know, Bros. What I didn’t know is that you can also upload a whole manifest on Twitter too.”

“How do you mean? Are you now a pilot or bus driver that you are talking about a manifest?”

“Bros, it’s your turn to calm down. A manifest is not only a list of people travelling on an aircraft or Agofure Bus. It can also be a list of babes a man has dated before. On Tuesday, such a list was published on Twitter by one bros like that.”

“Ha! Tejiri!”

“Bros, when I saw the list en . . . even I was shocked. I don’t want to say anything sha. And then come and see how Twitter came alive. People were just busy re-tweeting, quoting tweets, replying and just LOLing.”

“My dear, I saw it too. I just decided to siddon-look, not knowing what to make of it.”

“Bros, you did well. Small mall boys wey no understand anything just dey chook mouth put. Then come and see blocking. Overlords just they block them anyhow.”

“And they missed out of the rest of the show!”

“I didn’t know that that former minister, that aunty who always goes on low-cut, can get annoyed too o.”

“Which aunty is that now? Is it that one that wanted a public debate early this year?”

“Ah Bros! You too know book. She’s the one! She nearly finished one online newspaper.”

“Was it because they reported her call to arrest her former minister colleague?”

Gbam! You get am. And this other man that is the president’s man on social media was just in one corner putting fire and laughing.”

“Which one? The one that launched a book about ‘shortcuts’ recently?”

“Bros, you dey try o. That’s him.”

“It was just a sad situation. And what was the cause of all this fight?”

“Bros, if you ask me, I will say that the twit-fight was all about personal egos. We have actually refused to look at the real issues in Nigeria. If it was deportation that triggered all this, we somehow give the impression that all was well before news of the purported deportation broke.”

“TJ, you are making sense.”

“The way I see it is that as a nation, we have failed to protect the weak in our society. There are no jobs. There is a huge gap in housing. Our educational system is in shambles. Governors have failed to develop their home states. Many people in search of jobs and the good life are forced to migrate to the few cities in droves.”

“And even those cities are overstretched”.

“It’s so bad that some governors do not even reside in their state capitals.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Part of the challenge is that we did not even know when the rain began to beat us.”

“You are paraphrasing Tolu Ogunlesi in that his article, Tejiri.”

“Bros, there is acute leadership deficit in this country. One reason I can adduce for this is the collapse of our educational system. In the days when schools were schools, they had sporting arenas, extra-curricular activities and voluntary associations for training in character and leadership. Now, some schools operate from a three-bedroom flat. Tell me, what kind of education can such a school provide?”

“And many of our universities have become like glorified secondary schools.”

“Even as we speak, ASUU is still on strike. Gabriel Suswan who heads the government team negotiating with ASUU says progress is being recorded but Aunty Ngozi has already said that government has no money to pay.”

“Oh my God! Is that not another way of saying ‘no deal’?”

“Bros, the only thing I can’t do is to say that I’m tired of this country.”

“That’s the spirit. We should never give up.”

“But Bros, last Tuesday en . . . hmmmmm . . . fear catch me. That was the day Twitter nearly caught fire!”

You can follow the author on Twitter @ehissman

Your can also read Tolu Ogunlesi’s article here:


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